This is my Christmas Post. Its not fancy and its not even very cheery. I'm trying my best, but its just not happening...the Christmas spirit, I mean. This year is a different story than years past. I haven't posted since Thanksgiving for a reason. I'm wallowing. I know I'm a little old for pouting, but that's exactly what I've been doing. Christmas has always been a glorious time of year for me. My mom was a Christmas nut and always had the best things planned and the most cheer of anyone I'd ever met. Her house was filled with Christmas carols, almost year-round, and more decorations than the fire code allowed. There was no end to how tacky my mom could get at Christmas. My favorite "Mom" story involves a Christmas Tree sweatshirt that had real lights that really lit-up. Need I say more? I say that she "was" a Christmas nut because she's not with me anymore. I lost her 3 1/2 yrs ago (I lost my dad 5 yrs ago) and to make matters worse, her birthday was Tuesday. So it's Christmas Eve and I have no parents, no one in my family cares enough to call and check in with me on her birthday-not even my sister, I haven't gotten more than 10 Christmas cards (and one of those is from a business we used this year) even though I sent out 35 of my own , I have three of my own children who are relying on me to create their Christmas memories, I have a Red Velvet cake to bake today for my Husband's family Christmas tonight and no desire to do so, I miss my mom so much I can't breathe and its warm and rainy in Alabama today. Oh, and did I mention that I'm unemployed? Yeah, I got laid off after Thanksgiving. I think wallowing is a teensy bit of a fallacy...I think I have slipped into full out depression. I know that Christmas is supposed to be focused on Jesus and his plan of salvation; I know that I'm supposed to focus on my own family; I don't want my kids to remember this as the year that Mom didn't care. I know all of these things...I just can't make myself "feel" anything. I think that's the best description-numbness. How am I going to beat it this year? The only way I know how is to cry. I mean it. I need a good cry. I haven't cried about losing my job, missing my mom, feeling forgotten by my family, or anything else in a long time. I just can't muster a good cry. I sat and looked at photo albums, read old letters from Mom, reminisced with the kids, talked to my husband, talked to my best friend about it.....nothing. I really think I'd feel better if I just had a good cry, but it won't come. My brain is too busy telling me about all the things I should be doing instead of being numb and it won't let me just feel. As I am blogging this, a friend from high school posted something on my Facebook. Nothing fancy, just a little "Hey! You're fabulous and I love you!". I thought I was going to cry, but yet nothing happened. Have I turned into the Grinch? Remember that animation of his little shriveled up, black heart? I think that's me. Maybe not, but it kinda feels that way. I want Christmas cheer and carols and food and cookies for Santa and candy canes in my hot cocoa! I want peace on Earth and Goodwill toward men! I want to be excited about opening presents with my children tomorrow morning! I want.... I want my mom. I feel so selfish for that. I feel like all I can focus on right now is me and what I want, what I'm missing, how I'm feeling when I should be focused on my family. My husband, who has made a huge effort to make me feel okay about being unemployed at Christmas, my children who only have one childhood, my In-Laws who are coming to share Christmas Eve with us in 8 hours, my Best Friend who is sharing Christmas dinner with us tomorrow and my God, who bent down to Earth to become flesh and blood with the express purpose of dying for my sins. Please, God, forgive my selfishness. Help me. Help me feel love. Help me feel joy. Help me feel anything! I promise to hide the bitterness and pain from my family so as not to ruin their holiday but I'd rather not have it at all. Please release me. Please. Amen. For anyone reading this....I hope I didn't ruin your holiday.
I'm chronically late, I talk too loudly and too much, I don't exercise like I should, I complain a lot, I'm a terrible slob and a worse housekeeper (my house always looks like it was robbed), I make my kids wash their own laundry so I can have time to write, BUT I also love my family fiercely, I have a heart for women carrying emotional damage, have been a mother longer than I have been an adult, will do anything for a friend, am a beach bum, love God with all my heart, want the world to be a better place and want to write more than I want my next breath.