Well, by this afternoon I should have the keys to our new home in my hand! I am excited but because I also have inherited a little pessimism from my hubby, I am nervous that the previous owners will not honor the contract & GET OUT TODAY!! Ok, that was a little uncalled for but I'm frustrated! We were in contract with this house for 3 months & the day that we FINALLY close they ask for more time to move out. I do understand that with the lagging close date they might not have wanted to pack everything in advance but I have moved enough to know that there are things you can live without that can be packed way ahead of time. If 7 days is not enough time to pack the essentials (clothes, toiletries, dishes, etc.) then maybe you have too much stuff! I do think that their Realtor might have led them to believe that they might have had until next month or that the deal might not even go through & I forgive them for that, but still... their adults. If you put your house up for sale have a plan! Have a place to go to so that the people who buy it can move in on time! I feel really badly for them if they did get caught in between but really & truly they are the only ones in charge of their business. No one else. So, this afternoon they are supposed to be out & the house is SUPPOSED to be clean. I pray that everything goes well with them & that they have a blessed life. In the meantime, I am going to be nervously awaiting a phone call from our realtor that the keys have been delivered. If I haven't heard from them by lunch time, two o'clock at the latest, I think my head might explode and pea soup might splatter everywhere. So, say a prayer for me. Pray that everything goes smoothly and my head doesn't explode. I'd kinda like it if that didn't happen :)
These are some poems that I had posted on another site. Hope you enjoy. They are listed chronologically from first written to last written, over a three month period in 2005. Hopefully there will be more to come.
*Lover of Words*
A blank sheet of paper... the most intimidating thing I've ever seen.
Lying in wait, with expectancies that far outreach my own.
You could create something brilliant and flowing, or witty and emotional, or you could just write out your grocery list.
How do you know what that paper's destiny is?
The very first step is laying your pencil to it, and speaking to it with your heart.
Poetry is a love affair that your heart has with a notebook.
Well, on top of all the "new house" hysteria - or near hysteria on my part- other developments this week are bringing a different kind of drama to my life. For some dumb reason, known only to people who have gone before me, I decided to rifle through the internet and look up old friends and classmates. Sounds harmless right? Well, not so much. I found quite a few friends actually, thanks to the fact that I belong to a young generation of techies, everyone is on the internet these days. So a few key strokes here and there and I find most of my high school classmates and a few faces I knew but didn't go to school with. The drama is purely internal and ensues because I was a different person back then. The me that they remember was wild and rebellious. I had a foul mouth, purple hair, black fingernail polish, listened to heavy metal, mutilated my body with razor blades, did drugs, got pregnant in the 10th grade and was asked to leave the school. I somewhat expected that times have probably changed and that we've all grown up. Well, we have all grown up and most of us are even married and have children, but they for the most part are the same people. They all still do have wild hair color, like heavy metal, have tons of tattoo and piercings, etc. The website profiles that they have for themselves are covered with metal band ads, tattoo pictures and graffiti art. I have been brave enough to talk to some old friends and they are doing fabulous. They have done and seen some awesome things. They have really made a life for themselves. Yet, they retain the rebellion and hard core tastes of their youth. "Why?", I ask myself. How can they be normal sounding, well-adjusted and successful when they still flout the rebellious and hard core images from high school? I am baffled. For me, some things had to go the moment I became a mother. Other habits and preferences just faded away with time, and I assumed, maturity. I believed that the transition I made from Hard core to Betty Crocker was a natural progression that came with age, wisdom and responsibility. What if it isn't? What if I became what I thought I should look like to the outside world? Did I sell out? We used to use this word to describe someone who gave up their individuality for the acceptance of others. I feel like a sell out. Why? Because I still think that all the stuff I see on their websites is cool. So, I ask myself, "If you like tattoos and hard music and wild hair styles and funky clothes so much why don't you have any of them?" If I had to be honest, every answer boils down to someone else's opinion either expressed to me or assumed. My husband once told me years ago that tattoos were trashy. Years have passed since then and he even has a tattoo now. Do I think he would tell me no if I wanted one bad enough? No, I don't think so, but just knowing that he used to feel this way stops me cold in my tracks from wanting one. I secretly listen to heavy metal when my kids and husband aren't in the car. Why? Because as a Christian I worry that the references in the lyrics are too strong for my children and my husband might disapprove of it. I even worry that the fact that I still like it means in some way that I'm not a good enough Christian. I admire edgy haircuts, hair colors and funky clothes but I don't have the nerve to indulge in them myself. Why? Because I'm afraid that someone will look at me and say "isn't she too old for that?", or just the opposite, "How could someone that young have a teenager?" The last one has been something I have faced discrimination over for 15 years. I have a severe complex about the fact that I was only 15 when I gave birth to my oldest son. I have spent years trying to appear older so as not to be judged. Also, I'm afraid if I act too much like I feel inside - which is very young - or dress in things I admire that I will embarrass my son. Now that I've made it into my 30's I sort of, well, really miss those young days. So my basic question is this: Did I change because I wanted the changes or did I sell out? Another question is this: Would it be a step backwards to my faith to admit these things? How do I dig through the years and find me...the real me...the me that is authentic. Most of the "hard core" me was wrapped up in pain and bondage that I've since been released from, and most of the Suzy Homemaker me is wrapped up in wanting to please other people...so where is the real me? Is there a middle ground between Goth Tramp and Homeschool Mother of Three with a Mortgage? All I want is to know that when I say "I like that" that its based on truth, not a desire to belong to one group of people or another. How? How am I going to be able to do this? I think the only thing I can do at this point is to ask myself a series of questions when I make decisions from now on. Like that haircut? What is it that makes you not want it? Like this song? Why wouldn't you listen to it in front of the kids? Are these invalid excuses or intelligent points? My thought process is going to have to slow down but maybe in time I will have the confidence in myself to make decisions based on what I truly want. I am notorious for not being able to make up my mind...maybe once I have one I can make decisions with it. I hope that this doesn't take too long though, I've got paint colors and interior design to decide on and Lord knows I'm going to need all the help I can get!
Ok, so I am about to leave my house. I am due at the realtor's office in 4 hrs 17 minutes to close on our new house and have errands to run before I get there. I am sitting on my bed, hair wet from the shower and I am losing my mind! Needless to say, NO school work has gotten done today. My children who dare not complain about it are pretending its a Saturday - cartoons and all. I cannot think about such mundane things as doing laundry and paying water bills right now, even though Hubby would prefer the laundry part as he is out of socks, because the fact that we are about sign a contract for over $100,000 is taking up too much space in my grey matter. Who would give us a house?? Do they know that this scares the pants off me? Do they know that we are babies (well early thirties)? Do they care? Does anybody? I need a serious dose of chill right now. God knows what he is doing-I'm sure of it. In fact it's the only thing I AM sure of. I'm not sure I'll survive today or get my laundry done or keep my lunch down...but I am sure that God knows what he is doing. I think the relevant question now is: What is he doing? Is he blessing us, testing us, sitting back to see how far we can carry it on our own, guiding the whole process with his hand? I want to believe that this is a blessing. I do. My flesh wants to know how we are going to carry this mortgage. My faith knows that God is putting us in a situation where we have only Him to rely on. How do I marry those two schools of thought long enough to not upchuck at the closing table? I don't have these answers. All I know is that I'm going to live through today. No one ever died from anxiety...did they? I hope not because if I die right now my husband will never have any clean socks ever again. By the way-I only have 3hrs & 56 min to go.
Normally writing comes so easily. I know what I'm going to write about ahead of time. At some point in my day a thought occurs to me or something funny or bizarre or inspirational happens to me and I think to myself "This is going in the blog". Tonight this isn't the case. I have no plan, I have no topic. I am a writer without a story. My day was bizarre enough alright but do I write about my house closing tomorrow or the drama that happened at work...or maybe the job opportunity that came my way today that would make me choose between two things that are precious to me? When you have a whirlwind of a day how do you choose? How do you single that one thing out and declare it as the most important or vexing thing in your life right now that it should grace the pages of your blog?? Being new to blogging, I don't know the answers to these questions. I know that my mind is racing 100 miles an hour. I know that any decision I make tonight could be the best decision ever or be one more time that I look back and feel like an impatient fool.I know that no matter what the topic, I have to write about it. So, unfortunately that leaves me right here. Writing about nothing...rambling on without even designating a subject. I suppose being overwhelmed is my topic. Being overwhelmed to the point of being paralyzed. How do I handle this feeling? How do I catagorize feeling excited but scared about the closing, frustrated to the point of tears over drama at work, anxious/confused/scared/fearful of the job opportunity, and just generally so worn and tired of the hoopla that I want to go to sleep like Rip Van Winkle and have my life pass me by without my intervention? There is no catagory for that...no place that I belong. I trust God. I believe that he will guide me and protect me. I know that if I trust him and seek his guidance that I am covered by him. So, why? Why is this feeling strangling me? Why do I feel the helplessness and futility even now? Because I doubt his omnipotence or wisdom? No. I have never doubted God. I think that I struggle with these things because in my pitiful human state I want control. I want control of these situations so badly that I would give myself an ulcer over it. I need to feel control over something. I ache for the feeling of control. But that's just it isn't it? A feeling. Its an illusion. There is no real control for us. God is in control. Why is that so hard for us? Is there something ingrained in us that needs us to repel God's control and guidance? Oh, silly me...yes there is - its called sin. The sin inside me wants to control my own life, like a toddler insisting "I can do it myself!". Well guess what? This toddler cannot "do it myself". I don't even want to imagine how many ways I would foul up things if someone left me in control. There have been a few times that I have elbowed my wants and needs to the front of the line - ahead of what God desires - and trust me...I don't want it again. That never worked out for me anyway. What I need right now is a good healthy dose of humility and patience. If I take my problems to Him and stop trying so pitifully to solve them myself maybe I can sleep tonight. Sleep sounds good. And, so does a hot bath. At least the water temperature is something that I can control.
What is it about small Southern towns that make it so hard to keep a cotton-pickin' secret?? It cannot be just my town. I have lived in more than one hole-in-the-wall town down here, yet they have all been eerily similar. Let me qualify my rant by explaining that Hubby & I are buying a house. In the current market this is no easy feat. I could probably sum the whole experience up by saying: Who's idea was this?? So, its fair to say that it has not been easy. We still haven't closed escrow yet and we have had a contract on this house since June...JUNE! Anyone who is buying a house right now might know that the system is a little overwhelmed with greedy, I mean "eager", buyers trying to snatch up all the empty forclosures that were left after the housing crash. So overwhelmed is the system that, at least in Alabama, the servers are going down like me on a 6-mile hike--fast & with a thud. So, when we decided to let a few people know that we were buying a house it didn't occur to us that in a few days the whole church would have heard about it. It also didn't occur to us that by sharing this information with these people we would be locked into the commitment of keeping them updated on how the deal was going. It gets a little depressing saying "We don't know anything - we are waiting on the paperwork to process" a dozen times between the time you get your coffee in the church lobby to the time you take your seat! Don't get me wrong, its wonderful to have so many people to care for us and keep up with what's going on in our lives, but the reality of it is that we started getting a little scared. At this point, we are concerned about what might happen if the deal falls through. What will we tell everyone? There's this pressure now that I'm pretty sure we've made up but feels real anyhow. It feels like if something happens we're going to let everyone down! I know...its crazy, its probably inaccurate and wildly egotistical of us to think that we are on everyone's mind. These people probably only care to ask about it because its a good way to make conversation. Mostly I'm sure of the fact that if something terrible did happen, like the deal falling through, we'd have plenty of shoulders to cry on about it. I am just still so amazed at the fact that word travels so fast in my church! Forget "tele"-phone - tell the church members!! Ps. If I have an aneurysm and die before I close on this house its probably because at some point a mass email went out alerting the congregation of the need for prayer over our "house" situation! If you hear of my demise check your inbox...you've got mail from the church.
I'm chronically late, I talk too loudly and too much, I don't exercise like I should, I complain a lot, I'm a terrible slob and a worse housekeeper (my house always looks like it was robbed), I make my kids wash their own laundry so I can have time to write, BUT I also love my family fiercely, I have a heart for women carrying emotional damage, have been a mother longer than I have been an adult, will do anything for a friend, am a beach bum, love God with all my heart, want the world to be a better place and want to write more than I want my next breath.