Thursday, October 8, 2009

Depressing Questions from an Invisible Woman

Sometimes I feel completely invisible. I couldn't put my finger on it precisely until just now, after a conversation with my sister. I can't really call it feeling useless or feeling unecessary because I DO see my purpose and I DO feel like I provide useful and necessary things to my family's lives. I have to call it feeling invisible because I don't think that THEY see my purpose or usefulness in their lives. Maybe I put too much pressure on myself, and I probably do, but I have an idea about what my job is and what my role in this family entails. They probably don't expect of me what I think they do, but at the very least I want to live up to my OWN expectations of what a wife and mother should do and provide for her family. No one asked me to homeschool, I do it because I believe its the best for my children. No one asked me to cook my heart out, creating wholesome and nutritious meals from scratch every night not to mention homemade bread, but I want that for my family, I want my children to have memories of family dinners and wonderful smells. So, if no one asks these things of me in the first place, why do I feel so put out and dejected when no one notices? Why feel so deflated when dinner is eaten quickly, with not one word spoken about its quality or of the effort and love put into it? Why the need to feel "visible" and praised? Am I really doing it because I want to? Am I really "selflessly" serving my family? What is it about women that makes us want to feel noticed and important? I have heard the phrase before that "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." (Simon De Beauvoir), well I am here to attest that it ain't just the men. I watched the movie "Revolutionary Road" recently and I am saddened to say that I can relate to the quiet desperation felt by Kate Winslet's character. Why am I saddened by that? Well, quite simply, I have this belief that I should be content to do the job of motherhood and wife-hood without the need for recognition. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because I know so many women who feel fulfilled with their lives and they are doing what I am doing. Where is my fulfillment? Why isn't it enough for me? Again, it isn't so much what I am doing that brings discontent as much as the lack of feeling visible, the lack of "warm and fuzzies" being sent my way. I love my husband and I love my children and I will continue to do what I have been doing even if I don't ever feel visible because I know its the right thing (even if they don't know it), but I fear that I will always feel invisible. That's a large fear for me. That I might always feel like no one sees me, no one notices the things I bring to the table. That I will spend my days cooking and cleaning and teaching my children and spend my every waking moment thinking of how I can best serve my family and that no one will care, no one will appreciate and that one will spend their time thinking about the things that I do or wondering how they can let me know that they care. *sigh* Well, I know these thoughts are depressing and I worry that they are not godly, but I also wonder how many women feel this way. Am I alone, a weird one, a self-centered person who only does things for others recognition? I will spend some time in prayer about this. I pray that either God brings me peace about it or directs me in a more appropriate direction for contentment.


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