Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Ongoing Evolution of Me

Well, this post ain't what it used to be.

I spent a good hour last night writing this post, and one second before I was finished the entire post vanished. Poof! Gone with the Wind.

The only thing left is the title.

The only thing I can say is that it makes me sad. Anyone who writes knows that writing is a purging of thoughts. Once those thoughts are out onto paper or computer screen they no longer reside in your brain. You remember the topic you wrote about, the idea you were trying to get across, but the actual words you used are a jumble. No two posts are ever alike.

Yes, I will re-write this post. Will it be the same? No. The good news is that since you didn't read the last one you have nothing to compare it to but I digress.

The point I originally set out with was this: I have decided, after about a year long dialog in my head with God, to return to school. I thought that Nursing School was my last foray into education. Apparently I was wrong, as God has informed me anyway.

Over a year ago, I had an experience that since then has pretty much changed my life. I wrote about it in A Heart Response. The 15 minutes I spent with that girl sparked something in me that I cannot for the life of me explain to other people.Believe me I've tried. The closest I can come to explaining it is by describing it like a light bulb coming on, or an alarm going off. I spoke with my friend, who also happens to be my pastor, recently about all of this and told him that it feels like Paul's Damascus Road experience in the New Testament. Paul was blinded until another Christian touched his eyes and things like scales fell off of his eyes. Then he could see and he spent the rest of his life seeking to serve the Lord. I spent about a year prior to this in counseling of sorts with my friend, the pastor, healing over my own pain and abuse. The growth was extraordinary but exquisitely painful. After that, I feel like I can see things that I could not see before. I see pain. Everywhere I look, everyone is in pain of some sort. Everyone of us has gone through something that has left it's mark...some sort of damaged idea that we carry around with us. Some lie that tells us something about ourselves that isn't true. Everyone... and I can see it. God, for some reason, has given me the ability to see past the "face" that we put on for other people and I can see for the first time just how much everyone needs him. It's staggering. Now I'm not talking about some sort of mystical "aura" or something crazy, I just mean that when I talk with someone now, I can just about pinpoint where their pain lies. What lie they believe about themselves. It's actually a little painful for me to pretend that I don't see it and continue having the conversation while restraining the urge to speak with them about it. It's a little like someone with severe OCD walking into a room with a crooked picture frame and not being able to straighten it. You can't concentrate because the whole time you want to say, "Excuse me, I'm sorry. I can't concentrate. I just need to fix this. Thanks." I feel a little retarded actually. So after about a year of God pushing, I finally decided to call his bluff. Without telling anyone, even Hubby, I applied to a local college's Undergraduate Program as a major in Psychology. This week I received my acceptance letter. Two days after that I received a Pell Grant.

Ok God, I'm listening.

Here I sit, full-time Nurse, full-time Homeschool mother of 3 boys (one of which is beginning high school in August), full-time wife, chief cook and bottle washer....now full-time student. The whole admission process is not complete yet, but close and I'm not sure if I'll start this term or next. The only thing I know is that God directed and I obeyed. Beyond that I'm lost. I have no idea what happens next. I have this hazy idea that I might become a Christian Therapist. That was good for a few days, then I started looking into what that involved. In the great state of Alabama, counselors and therapists alike require graduate studies. A Master's Degree plus a clinical component that can take another year or two to finish after the degree is completed. Here, the only difference between counselor and therapist is the amount of clinical time. Soooo, I don't know. Am I suppose to convince my family that after my Bachelor's, I have to return for my Master's? Hubby loves me and is supportive but admits that this whole things sounds crazy to him. He feels a little like I'm wasting the education I already have. I understand and respect that. So far I haven't found a college in this whole region that offers the clinical component that I would need, so I find myself wondering what God is up to. Maybe therapy is not where I'm headed. Ok, so what then? Teaching? I'm lost. So far, all I know is that I that I feel like I took the step I needed to take. Now, I just have to wait for God to tell me where the next step is.


K. Erickson said...

I have a profound acquaintance with the frustration of drafting something only for Blogger to "lose" it at the last moment. As a result, I have forsaken drafting anything in Blogger except very short snippets. Everything else gets first draft and editing in MS Word before copying and pasting to Blogger. Helps my sanity that way.

Congrats on going back to school. I wish you good luck. I've been threatening to do that for a while now, but circumstances won't allow it currenlty.

I understand fully about trying to listen to God. It's hard to hear Him sometimes when everything else around you is noise and chaos.

Melanie said...

I guess I'm going to have to start drafting outside of Blogger too. What a pain in the butt. Thanks for the congrats. I'm sure things will work out..so far they always have. Stepping out of my comfort zone is new so it'll take some adjustment. I might mention, since you brought it up, that the program I'm starting is completely online. Troy University, here in Alabama has a state of the art distance learning program. From prereqs to grad is all online. It's a solid program, not a work at your own pace correspondance thing. The list of degrees offered is staggering and all of it qualifies for financial aid....just sayin'.

Kristina said...

Thanks for sharing this, Melanie! :)

Melanie said...

Your more than welcome! Thanks for stopping to read and following me :) Welcome to the blogosphere my friend!!

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