Thursday, October 7, 2010

My Heart Cries For You

A friend of mine lost her newborn baby.

Ruthie Quinn lived 6 hours.

It was a totally normal pregnancy, no one expected anything out of the ordinary.

I am at a loss.
Another church member that I don't know well lost her baby a few weeks before Ruthie passed away. Although this baby had been an expected loss I know the pain was the same for that family. As for my friend, I don't know what to say to her. I haven't seen her yet but I know when I do that I won't have the slightest clue what to say. There were already so many people crowded around the family immediately afterwards that I knew to give her space. They need life to calm down. They need quiet time after all the well-meaning people drift away (the way they always eventually do) to process what has happened to them and what this means for their family. I know this because that's how it was when I lost my mom. If losing my mom could do to me what it has and leave this much confusion and pain, I don't EVER want to know what my friend is going through. It has been a few weeks now, but this is the only time I have had to blog about it. I know from experience that people always say the same thing, they always bring food, they always send cards, they alway smile at you with the corners of their eyes crinkled up because they are trying not to make you sad, they always, ALWAYS want to hug you -even if you are not a hugging person. I remember those people and I don't want to be one of them. Not that there is anything at all wrong with, but it's just not me. I haven't decided what kind of person I am though. Am I the sort of person who sends a card randomly, weeks later to say I care? Am I the sort of person who makes a treat or meal and drops it by after everyone else is gone? Am I the sort of person who just chats with her without bringing it up? (By the way, my bible study group had a BBQ planned the afternoon of my mom's death and I asked them not to cancel and we went anyway. I have to say it was so great to be able to just pretend for a couple hours like everything was ok, and joke and eat like we did before.) I am not a hugger, so I know I won't be do any of that although I wouldn't shy away from an offered one.

So, here's what I want to know followers...

How would you handle it?

Tell me how would you handle the situation? How would you approach the topic -or not?

I pray for her and her family everyday...for now that is all I know how to do.


Candance said...

That just sucks. There are no other words to describe it. Oddly, my ex-husband has taught me a few things about dealing with the loss of a newborn. He's a volunteer with an organization here that takes pictures of babies (newborns) that are dying or have died with their families. They taught him not to bring up God or religion or say I know how you feel. Don't say the baby is in a better place and that she's an angel looking down on them. That may be what they believe, but it probably isn't what they want to hear right this second. Let them bring up the death. He had a dad talk to him for an hour about "guy stuff" after he got done taking pictures of his baby that had passed just because he needed to have a "normal" conversation. If they do want to talk about it, call the baby by his/her name cause she may have only lived for a few hours, but she was still a little human with a name.

And, as a fellow non-hugger, if y'all don't normally hug when you see each other, don't do it now. Let her hug you if she wants a hug.

Flourchild said...

Pray for wisdom, be yourself and just love her.

Melanie said...

Update: We passed my each other at church Sunday, but seeing as how we were both wrangling kids and both sort of in a hurry, all that happened was a mutual smile. I tried not to crinkle my eyes in that annoying way.

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