Friday, June 4, 2010

Dear Mom.....

I should be asleep. It's after 2 AM, and I actually have plans to go into work early in the morning instead of in the afternoon because of Hubby's ongoing medical issue. I should be asleep, but I can't.

I'm thinking of my mother. She passed away 4 years ago, as of May 30th. Normally, I spend that day thinking of her, talking about her, remembering, reminiscing, and generally wallowing. This year my life had been so crazy that I didn't acknowledge it at all. I didn't have the luxury of wallowing. I didn't have time to reminisce. I didn't have anyone to talk to about her. I feel like I pushed her memory away because I didn't have time. I want to acknowledge her. It may seem too personal a thing to post, but I want to share it with my friends. This is my acknowledgment:

Dear Mom,
It has been 4 years already. Does time pass in heaven the same as for us? Probably not. How is Daddy? I miss you both so much that it's physically hard to breathe sometimes. I have so much that I would want to talk to you about. So many times I wished there were phones in heaven! What it would be like to be able to pick up the phone and ask your advice or to hear you laugh again. I hear your voice all the're still telling me what to do. That's what makes you such a great mom, even death couldn't make you keep your opinion to yourself. I wish you could see the boys. I know you both would be so proud of them. The Quiet One is turning 15 this year...can you believe that?? He's studying to get his permit. God help all of us. I can't send that child across the grocery store and have him bring back the brand of peanut butter I asked for and I'm supposed to be giving him my car keys in three weeks?? I don't think it's going to happen. I don't know how you and Daddy survived my teen years. Honestly, he's such a better (more obedient) kid than I was...if I had been you, I'd be dead right now!

The Mouth has become the one that I have to keep my eye on. He turns 11 on Saturday and last week at the river he was being accompanied around the park by a high school freshman...a cheerleader no less. I'm not ready for all that. These little girls are going to have to give this mom a break. You'd be surprised though. He's a more responsible little person than he should be. I regularly give him tasks before I give them to his brother, because he is so dependable. He gets that ethic from you.

The Sweet One has your smile....big as the sky and wide as the ocean. Smiley Smiler Smilington, that's what I call him. He's so smart, Mom. He scares me a little and I sometimes catch myself intentionally holding back certain things to teach him because I know he would grasp it and I'm not ready for that. I want him to stay young and innocent. If I pushed he would probably be at least a year or two ahead in our homeschooling but I am so content with these simple days. I hope that's not wrong of me, to want his youth to last forever. I suppose moms are all the same, aren't they? I don't want the days of cuddling and giggling to stop and I somehow think that if he becomes too "brainy" it would. Maybe that's wrong of me. I want days filled with playing in the sprinkler and marveling at the bean plant we are growing on the kitchen window sill to last forever. I know that they won't, but I certainly am not doing anything to slow them down.

You would be so proud of Hubby, Mom. He's been so faithful to God. I'm so grateful that you got to see him come to know his Saviour before you left. Being the only Christian in his family has been hard on him. He doesn't see them much and when he does, there is always ridicule, but he has stayed the course. You knew that he would. But, he has found a wonderful family in our church friends. Real men that value him and point him in the right direction. He's been a wonderful husband and father because of it. He's been sick, Mom, and I'm scared. It's nothing really that bad, it's just the nature of it has weakened him and made him need me more. I wonder if I am enough.

I am working again. I am incessantly tired, but I think of you. I think of the double shifts and the swollen feet you endured for us and I plug along. My life now is so blessed compared to what you had when we were small that I dare not complain. I know how much worse it can be because I was raised in worse. Worse was our neighborhood. I am going back to school. I know that would make you happy. You always said I made a better student than anything else I ever tried to do. I guess you were right...professional student it is. I'm getting baptized. I wish you could be here.

So much time has passed, and I know that all we have between us is time, but I miss you. I miss your crazy laugh, your big warm hugs, your ability to kick my butt when I needed it, the help you always gave with the boys without me even having to ask (you don't know how much I took that for granted), I miss coffee-time, Patrick Swayze Movie Night, and your potato soup. I think what I miss the most is your face. I know you don't want for anything anymore and your not in any pain, but I wonder if you miss me too. It's hard to explain to people who still have their mothers how deeply it hurts. You knew me. The me no one else saw, the stories that even I don't remember. You took them all with you when you left.

I can't wait to see you again. For my sake, I hope that is a very, very, VERY long time. Tell everyone hello for me...I miss them too.

Thank you friends, for letting me share that piece of myself with you. You are appreciated greatly.


GunDiva said...

That was so beautiful. I'm sure your mom appreciated it and that it made her smile. I can't imagine life without my mom (even if she makes me nuts). You are so strong and an inspiration.

Melanie said...

Thanks so much. You know you put things out there sometimes and you don't have a sense of who you're doing it for...yourself or someone else. Well, this one was totally for me. I'm sure it did make her smile....alot.

acekotasmomma said...

What a great letter Mel. I know how much you miss her and I know how crazy things have been for you but I must say that know matter how crazy things are, your mom is always w/ you and you don't need a specific day to wallow in her memories.
Let me say, WAY TO GO, on getting baptized! I had no idea you were planning on doing that. I look forward to seeing this day, which is coming real soon :)

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