Hello? Is this thing on??

Show of hands...how many people thought I died??

Well, you were wrong. Both of you.
I have not died yet, although many an evening I felt dead, wished I was dead or smelled like a dead thing.

Here's the deal: School is kicking my ass. I probably shouldn't curse in my blog, but since its quarter to one in the morning and I've already had a half a glass of wine, I'm going to do what I want to do. When I registered for school, after pouring over all the materials I could find about this school, I was certain that this was exactly the way to get my education finished. Fast forward 6 months and I am not only wary of that idea, I am weary at the prospect of 3 more years like this. I am still working 2nd shift full time (four 10hr days a week). This means that most days I only see my kids long enough to get them dressed and out the door and I don't see them again until the next day. No where in all of that wonderful material I looked at before registering for school did it mention "mini-mesters". Hell, I had never even heard of them. News flash: they are the devil. Basically, you have 9 weeks to do a full semester's worth of work. The requirements for the course, the syllabus, the workload, etc. are all the same as a traditional semester only you are doing all of that in 9 weeks. Now, you would think that it might mean that you get done with school faster right? Makes sense. Alas, that would make too much sense. Full time status for a mini-mester is 2 classes instead of a regular 4 classes for a regular semester. So really all you're doing is splitting your semester in half without reducing any of the work you have to do. I am still going to end up needing 4 years for my Bachelor's Degree. All of a sudden it seems like that idea sucked. Twice the work without twice the reward?? Who's Mickey-Mouse idea was this? Oh, it was mine. I am trying my best to keep up but I don't even feel like I'm treading water anymore.I recently had a little (read: messy) meltdown about the whole situation. I feel like if I keep plugging onward it will all be OK and then the next minute I am a tearful mess about missing my kids and Hubby, not being able to keep up with the housework, feeling like I haven't slept in days (I am usually up until at least 1 or 2 AM finishing work), and missing out on all the fun events that Hubby and the boys get to do without me. I'm kind of a whiny, blubbery, bitchy mess right now. I have been obsessively looking for another job that might let me work less hours or at least be first shift so that I can see my kids in the evenings. Nothing. It's kind of exactly why I'm leaving the nursing world behind...there are no jobs anywhere for nurses right now. I take that back. There are no jobs for LPNs anywhere right now. I am noticing that there are plenty of Rn's positions. A prudent person would say "Why don't you change majors and get your RN?" Well, it's like this: I don't have the ability to NOT work. Even though I am not the main bread winner, I am the insurance carrier. I know that I couldn't work and go to nursing school. I barely survived nursing school last time and I wasn't working at all! So, I don't realistically see how I could possibly go to nursing school and work full time in order for us to keep our benefits. I am going to keep my eye out for that mythical job that allows me only to work during school hours, has benefits, no weekends or holidays and pays the bills. In the mean time, it's finals week and I'm wasting time blogging at one in the morning. Y'all pray for me....I need all the prayers I can get.

Just thought I'd share!

I have insomnia tonight and thought I'd share with you my current favorite Youtube video...I love this dude (his name is Keenan and yes he's disabled)...he cracks me up!!

Ya'll enjoy :)




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Voicing my Frustrations

This post is not good, it does not have a funny story, it will not make you smile or leave you any happier than it found you. There is a good chance it will do the opposite. If you don't stop reading right now, there is a good chance you will leave this post more angry and hurt than you had planned on. For safety sake, you might want to leave this post right now.

I am awake at 1:30 in the morning because I cannot shut my brain up. I have been a nurse for a little while..well 7 years now. I have taken care of Kidney Transplant patients (my preferred area), Nursing Home patients, Critical Care patients, and patients with hideous wounds when I was a Wound Care Nurse. I have been a Manager and an employee. I have worked in a Family Practice office and I have given "Alternative Medicine" infusions. I have bathed, medicated, soothed, and loved alot of patients. I have been the only one there when some of them died. I have heard many last words. I am used to my job....or at least I thought I was.

Since I have started at the ER where I am currently working, I have twice experienced horrible incidents with children. Both of them left me angry, fearful and terrified. Both times I could not sleep. One of the children died in a house fire, the other had been run over by a car...twice. I have always known that I am not a Peds Nurse. I knew before I went into Nursing that I would never be blessed with that calling simply because I cannot stand to see children hurt. I was not prepared for the first child, the one from the house fire. It is something I wished I'd never seen and know that I will never be able to forget.

The second child was a toddler, still in diapers, that ran out behind a car and was backed over, then run over again when the adult pulled forward to find out what had been struck. This child died at another facility the next day, but I will not be able to rid my memory of that baby or the sound of his Mother's wails.

I try to tell myself that I will toughen up, but part of me doesn't want to toughen up. I do want to be able to do my job and still function in normal society, but there is a part of me that pushes back from being desensitized to that pain and suffering.

Today was a new experience altogether. I can't even bring myself to talk about it for fear that I will breach confidentiality, but suffice it to say that evidence had to be collected and that two small girls were the patients.

I am at a loss.

How do you experience something like this, something this raw, and come home and act like it's just another day at work??

How do you leave it at work and come home and talk to your spouse about vacation plans?

How do you close your eyes and not see these children and the heart-wrenching injuries?

How?

I know that there aren't any real answers. I know that all I can do is give these children to God and pray for peace, but so far that is not helping me get any sleep.

I don't have any answers. I just want some sleep.