My Heart Cries For You

A friend of mine lost her newborn baby.

Ruthie Quinn lived 6 hours.

It was a totally normal pregnancy, no one expected anything out of the ordinary.

I am at a loss.

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Another church member that I don't know well lost her baby a few weeks before Ruthie passed away. Although this baby had been an expected loss I know the pain was the same for that family. As for my friend, I don't know what to say to her. I haven't seen her yet but I know when I do that I won't have the slightest clue what to say. There were already so many people crowded around the family immediately afterwards that I knew to give her space. They need life to calm down. They need quiet time after all the well-meaning people drift away (the way they always eventually do) to process what has happened to them and what this means for their family. I know this because that's how it was when I lost my mom. If losing my mom could do to me what it has and leave this much confusion and pain, I don't EVER want to know what my friend is going through. It has been a few weeks now, but this is the only time I have had to blog about it. I know from experience that people always say the same thing, they always bring food, they always send cards, they alway smile at you with the corners of their eyes crinkled up because they are trying not to make you sad, they always, ALWAYS want to hug you -even if you are not a hugging person. I remember those people and I don't want to be one of them. Not that there is anything at all wrong with, but it's just not me. I haven't decided what kind of person I am though. Am I the sort of person who sends a card randomly, weeks later to say I care? Am I the sort of person who makes a treat or meal and drops it by after everyone else is gone? Am I the sort of person who just chats with her without bringing it up? (By the way, my bible study group had a BBQ planned the afternoon of my mom's death and I asked them not to cancel and we went anyway. I have to say it was so great to be able to just pretend for a couple hours like everything was ok, and joke and eat like we did before.) I am not a hugger, so I know I won't be do any of that although I wouldn't shy away from an offered one.

So, here's what I want to know followers...

How would you handle it?

Tell me how would you handle the situation? How would you approach the topic -or not?

I pray for her and her family everyday...for now that is all I know how to do.

4th of July!!

Today is not July 4th, but I am going to be too busy tomorrow to post so here is my 4th of July post.

I will be with friends tomorrow, drinking a cold drink (preferably a frozen one if I can help it), eating charred food and watching my kids swim. I will not be far away from my family. I will not be in a foreign country. I will not be dirty, hungry or tired, I don't think so anyway. I will not be wearing Kevlar. But...I know someone who will. My friend Kim's son Luke is in Iraq. This is his second deployment. He has a young wife and a beautiful baby girl to celebrate with his mom in his absence. I have met Luke just a couple of times, but I know from his very proud mama what an extraordinary young man he is. He is in the 82nd Airborne, a prestigious assignment, and he has already achieved so many accolades in his short time in the Army. I know her heart aches for him to come home safely and from what I hear he lacks only a few weeks before that happens. So today as I barbeque with friends and play with fireworks and tomorrow while I drink my frozen drink and watch my children safely play where I can see them, I will say many prayers. Prayers for Luke and his fellow soldiers, prayers for all soldiers anywhere, prayers for Kim and Luke's wife and baby, prayers that I never share in Kim's fear for her son's life and prayers for our government, which always need the prayers. If you think about it tommorrow, say a prayer too. Everyone needs a little prayer.

Happy 4th of July everyone! Be safe!!

Awards Season

I love awards season :) I actually got this award just after my last award and I meant to post on it soon after the last post and then lost track of it in the new laptop. It was given to me by my friend Gundiva over at "Just another perfect day....", and I appreciate it sooooo much! Plus, it's a beautiful Gerber Daisy (which I love) that is orange (my favorite color!).

The premise of the award is to gift it to 12 blogs that you enjoy. I didn't have 12 blogging friends, so I did what any self respecting blogger would do...I went out to find me some friends!

We'll call this the "Follow me back" award, I'll give it and see if anyone takes the bait!

(disclosure: not all of these friends are new, some I have been getting an RSS feed on for awhile, but...you get the picture.)

Here are 12 blogs that I follow:

[carrotspeak.]

Crazy Texas Mommy

Fourchild

Just another perfect day...

Ladybug Creek

Meal Planning Mommies

My Front Porch

Preachers and Horse Thieves

Rays of Sunshine

Joy the Baker

the bitchy waiter

The Making of M.O.M

The Funky Clothespin

There you go! Lets see what happens :)

And the award goes to....

I got an award!...I got an award!...I got an award! I just realized that you can't see the dance I'm doing in my living room. And, no it did not resemble the Cabbage Patch in any way...not that I'm old enough to remember what that is . My good friend K. over at Preachers and Horse Thieves gifted this award to me with the following rules:

1. Grab the award by right clicking it and saving it to your computer as a pic, some place you can find it later.

2. Tag 5 other bloggers with it to continue the "Circle of Friends".

3. Write a post about it and list 5 things that you like to do.

Well, sadly I can't tag 5 others because I don't have 5 other blogger-friends...yet. I'm new to blogging and unfortunately have been blogging solely by the use of my blackberry until this month, so I have a lot of catching up to do. The circle of friends will end with me....insert sad face here. Anyhow, I can post about it and list the things I like to do. First I would like to say a big ole' thank you to K.

THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!!

I enjoy your blog so much! You are hilarious by the way. I frequently laugh out loud so much reading your posts, much to Hubby's annoyance, that I eventually have to read it out loud so that he gets the joke. Thanks for following me back and passing this here award along to me. I'll return the favor some day soon.

So without any further ado, here is my Top 5 list of things I like to do:

1. Read- I am chronically addicted to reading...it's a little bit scary actually. My local librarian recently commented to me that I do not read books, I consume them. Not a bad thing necessarily, just odd she said. I check out at least a 4 novel-sized books a week, borrow books from my friends, check out books from my church library, have discovered Audio books for when I'm driving, showering or otherwise engaged and at one point had memberships to three different area libraries...like a junkie doctor-hopping for a fix.

2. Go to the beach- Now, I know this one is a little cliche, but bear with me. Going to the beach for me is not so much a recreational experience as it is a spiritual one. I have lived near the ocean my entire life, except for a 3 year stay in Tennessee that I hated. Its my place for silence and solitude. A perfect trip to the beach involves no children, no tourists nearby, no husband...just me, the sand, wind, waves, seagulls and God. The beach is my place to worship God. Better worship happens between God and me on the beach than in the middle of a church worship service.

3. Eat! - Ok, so I know everyone likes to eat, but I LOVE to eat! I love it! I'm an Italian/German gal married to an Italian/German guy...eating is not just physical, it's emotional. If I ever have to resort to soup and sandwiches, hotdogs or something frozen I almost feel the need to apologize to my family for feeding them crap. We have a homecooked meal almost every night, if we can help it. If I'm not home Hubby cooks like a pro and picks up the slack. You can keep your "fast" fixes... give me Chicken Parmesan, Caesar salad, mashed creamed potatoes, garlic string beans and hot rolls.....now that's love, baby.

4. Gardening - true confession: I am an admitted and convicted plant killer, BUT this list is of thing you LIKE to do. It doesn't necessarily have to be something you're good at...I think. I love plants and flowers. I love looking at them, planning how I'm going to pair them up, buying them and then getting dirt under my nails and planting them. So, they often die but then I get to go look at more and the cycle begins again!!

5. Crochet- I protest...this list is starting to make me sound like a little old lady. Again, let me explain. When I was a little girl, my mama taught me how to crochet. It was something we always did together. When I was all grown up I learned out to do delicate needlework like doilies. The concentration required to do that kind of thing is like nirvana for me. When I'm working a detailed piece I hear nothing, see nothing, think of nothing else. It's completely absorbing and I forget any and all current issues and problems....and I've been able to gift some wonderful gifts to friends for almost no money at all!

So, there you have it. Me in a very tiny nutshell. Hope you enjoyed!

Ups & Downs - A Carnival Ride Called Life

So much has been happening so fast that I haven't had time to blog. That makes me sad. I started this blog so that I could write something everyday. Most days I don't feel like I have anything to write. Its not like others that I have read, who have reader intimidation, I have only a few readers, if that. I do have a couple of things rattling around in my brain that probably could be vented here. I have a close friend whose marriage is falling apart, whose husband has decided that his happiness trumps the happiness of her and their children and who is barely keeping herself contained while she has to work 60 hrs a week and pretend that she doesn't want to curl up and die. I suffer with her, albeit in silence. My estranged grandmother has decided to pop back into my life after several tense years apart, including the three since my mother's death. She, my mother's mother, has apparently decided that she should tell me NOW that she loves me. A letter arrived in the mail 2 weeks ago. I did write a return letter and effectively skirted by the issues in our past to fill her in on the present in the politest way possible. This week I received another letter to which the first sentence said,"I didn't really think you'd write back." What? What does that mean Grandma? Does that mean that you are happy to hear from me? Or does that mean that you didn't want to actually hear from me but wanted to make yourself feel better by throwing the ball into my court and point back to this moment when someone asks about me? I haven't decided what to write back to her. My sister, who I have had a treacherous relationship with in the past also, has been appearing on my doorstep several times a week since we moved into the new house. Things have been good, sister-like even, because she has started homeschooling her oldest son due to his Cerebral Palsy. I'm glad I can be so helpful to her but I can't help my suspicious nature from wondering when it will go back to treacherous. I pray, seriously, that this is the beginning of a shift for the good for her. A major step was that she actually got her husband - who doesn't get along with my husband at ALL - to come to our church 2 Sundays ago. I'm still praying. I'm struggling with homeschooling this year because of the need to work 2 days a week. I feel like I am effectively failing to be a good teacher or employee by not having my feet planted firmly on one side or the other. Oh, and 3 ex-boyfriends have looked me up in the last 60 days. What is that about?? The first one stirred up trouble by sending his phone number and a not so subtle hint at traveling to our area on business. The second one (who wasn't serious in the first place) seems to be normal...so far...and the third one was serious enough that I told him straight away not to contact me again. What is going on anyway? Hubby thinks I am being tested. Really? I don't think so, I think it probably more like Murphy's Law. On the brighter side of life (Yes, there is a brighter side) I have been able to keep to my meal plan with only $100 more dollars spent, which means I spent a total of $250 for groceries this month! May not seem like a big deal for anyone else, but its a big deal for me because I am a starter, not so much a finisher. This maybe the first idea I've had that I actually followed through on. I've also gotten the hang of bread making and haven't bought bread for almost 3 weeks! Also a big deal because I have been experimenting with bread for over a year. Minor victories. I feel like I may have just broken even emotionally this month. I continue to pray for God's unfailing grace. It turns out that I need that more than a meal plan, a restored relationship or a clean house.

The New Normal

Well, the saga ends...or maybe just slows to a dull roar. We moved into our new home last Saturday. I am so humbled by the effort put into the move by my friends and loved ones. Everyone showed up at 8 am (one friend even showed up a day early due to a work schedule), trucks & trailers galore, and just set to it! I almost didn't have to do anything but just sort of "direct" the events of the day. I am so blessed. At one point the hedges even got trimmed. Ok, so I'm REALLY blessed :) So, things have died down but not really if that makes any sense. I woke up the next day and for an instant I had no flippin' clue where I was. In fact, it still just doesn't feel real. Hubby & I agree that it will take a little while. Its only been a few days however, so to be completely fair we've got the rest of our lives to get used to this house. That's right, I said the REST of our lives! I do not plan on ever moving again. It might be a lofty goal, but hey, a girl's gotta have ambitions. I grew up a migrant. That word might bring to mind legal aliens (or maybe even illegal-depending on your background) and agriculture work, but it very correctly describes my childhood. I am a natural citizen and my parents weren't agriculture workers in the true sense of the word BUT my parents moved us wherever they could find work. In fact I went to 4 schools my third grade year by itself! Since I have gotten married the moving has slowed but we have still moved a whopping 22 times in 15 years. Mostly, because we have always rented and leases are always about a year long and we've never liked any place well enough to want to stick around for another term. There is always a better deal. Some of the moves were to find work, some to improve our standards, at least 3 moves were purely emotional and involved family and more than that involved my mother needing help caring for my terminally ill father. In the end I can say that this has made me a resilient person who does not shy away from new places and people. I recently took a strengths test and discovered that one of my strengths is WOO (winning others over)...perhaps God knew when he "packed my bag" that I would definately need that one, because with that strength moving was never that big of a deal. I hate packing...can I just say that? I always have. Hubby makes it worse because if it were up to him we'd load it all up in garbage bags and haul it on over. The control-freak in me cringes everytime we move because I know that in the end I'm going to be too anal about what to keep and what to shed and ultimately he's going to win. I have to admit this time that I think I did it pretty well. VERY few garbage bags made it into my house. I muse that it may have been the idea that this was our last move or maybe it was the fact that we were moving into our own home, but I really did not have the stress during this move that I've come to dread. All in all, I'm so glad we bought this house. Its definately worth all the drama.