The funny thing about making plans for the future....

Well, Hello :) I promised myself I would attempt to check in on my blog once in awhile. I miss it. I miss my readers! I miss having the time to write most of all. I may have a little more time for the next couple months, so maybe I can blog a little more than once a year haha. I started my junior year for my Psychology Degree this year but I'm just not feeling it anymore. Life has changed so much since I started. So, so much of my life is different. I'm not sure that I even recognize the person that I was in 2009. I am much less sure of who/what I am now. Much less sure of my likes, my wants, my dreams. I'm not quite middle age, but since I started so early with my adult life, maybe that is exactly what is happening. Professionally, I have hit a brick wall. My current nursing license is pretty well un-usable (is that even a word??) in my area now. As an LPN, my job prospects are almost non-existent now. For one, I live in a very rural area and attempting to commute to a large city where my job prospects would be better would mean I would have to make twice what I would ever be offered just to pay for the gas. Aside from that, my hometown hospital is the last hospital, maybe in the whole area, to even hire LPN's. I could just stay where I am, but my hours have been cut to less than 24 hrs a week and still falling. Financially, my hospital is dying, as a lot of small rural hospitals are doing right now because of budget cuts and the change in the way the government is reimbursing through Medicare/Medicaid. It won't be long and my position will be dissolved all together. I was actually reminded of that this week when a co-worker was let go after 25 years of service just because of lack of funding. So, combined with lack of growth in my area of the industry and frustration at my current personal issues, Hubby and I have decided to put my Psych degree on hold. I will be leaving the workplace in January and returning to nursing school. Another 2 years of school. Yay. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have the opportunity, but I just don't feel like I am ever going to *not* be a student again. I made up my mind to leave the nursing field 3 years ago...I am not too thrilled about coming back into it this way. But, Mommy's and Daddy's have bills to pay. 24 hours a week is not paying our bills right now. Losing my job completely is not going to help matters any either. So...I switch majors, finish my nursing degree so that I can continue working while I finish my Bachelor's in Psych and go on to get my Master's. At this rate, I should be out of school sometime around the year 2020. That sentance made me want to take a nap. I almost cannot believe that 3 years have passed since I even made the decision to go to school in the first place. That seems impossible. But, time does what needs to do..it passes. On the bright side, at this rate, I will be graduating with my Master's in Psychology, after having also gotten my Nursing Degree, by my 40th Birthday. All I can say is that, I plan on having a hell of a party that year! I DO promise to blog about it :)

Hello? Is this thing on??

Show of hands...how many people thought I died??

Well, you were wrong. Both of you.
I have not died yet, although many an evening I felt dead, wished I was dead or smelled like a dead thing.

Here's the deal: School is kicking my ass. I probably shouldn't curse in my blog, but since its quarter to one in the morning and I've already had a half a glass of wine, I'm going to do what I want to do. When I registered for school, after pouring over all the materials I could find about this school, I was certain that this was exactly the way to get my education finished. Fast forward 6 months and I am not only wary of that idea, I am weary at the prospect of 3 more years like this. I am still working 2nd shift full time (four 10hr days a week). This means that most days I only see my kids long enough to get them dressed and out the door and I don't see them again until the next day. No where in all of that wonderful material I looked at before registering for school did it mention "mini-mesters". Hell, I had never even heard of them. News flash: they are the devil. Basically, you have 9 weeks to do a full semester's worth of work. The requirements for the course, the syllabus, the workload, etc. are all the same as a traditional semester only you are doing all of that in 9 weeks. Now, you would think that it might mean that you get done with school faster right? Makes sense. Alas, that would make too much sense. Full time status for a mini-mester is 2 classes instead of a regular 4 classes for a regular semester. So really all you're doing is splitting your semester in half without reducing any of the work you have to do. I am still going to end up needing 4 years for my Bachelor's Degree. All of a sudden it seems like that idea sucked. Twice the work without twice the reward?? Who's Mickey-Mouse idea was this? Oh, it was mine. I am trying my best to keep up but I don't even feel like I'm treading water anymore.I recently had a little (read: messy) meltdown about the whole situation. I feel like if I keep plugging onward it will all be OK and then the next minute I am a tearful mess about missing my kids and Hubby, not being able to keep up with the housework, feeling like I haven't slept in days (I am usually up until at least 1 or 2 AM finishing work), and missing out on all the fun events that Hubby and the boys get to do without me. I'm kind of a whiny, blubbery, bitchy mess right now. I have been obsessively looking for another job that might let me work less hours or at least be first shift so that I can see my kids in the evenings. Nothing. It's kind of exactly why I'm leaving the nursing world behind...there are no jobs anywhere for nurses right now. I take that back. There are no jobs for LPNs anywhere right now. I am noticing that there are plenty of Rn's positions. A prudent person would say "Why don't you change majors and get your RN?" Well, it's like this: I don't have the ability to NOT work. Even though I am not the main bread winner, I am the insurance carrier. I know that I couldn't work and go to nursing school. I barely survived nursing school last time and I wasn't working at all! So, I don't realistically see how I could possibly go to nursing school and work full time in order for us to keep our benefits. I am going to keep my eye out for that mythical job that allows me only to work during school hours, has benefits, no weekends or holidays and pays the bills. In the mean time, it's finals week and I'm wasting time blogging at one in the morning. Y'all pray for me....I need all the prayers I can get.

Really??

So, last night I was lying awake, in the dark, starting at my bedroom ceiling fuming. Postively fuming. All of a sudden from out of the dark came a sound. It was snoring. It was coming from my husband.

Not five minutes before that we ended the day like so:

Upon entering the bedroom at midnight, I discovered four stacks of neatly folded clothes on my side of the bed...all were mine. I was so tired I was cross-eyed and did not want to put these clothes away right now, but in an effort to keep the bedroom straight most of the time I have resolved not to put my clothes on top of the dresser but actually IN the dresser. Revolutionary, I know. I looked at the clothes and looked at my husband (who incidentally has been home since about 5:30 pm)and said, "Really?" He stared at me. "Really?" "What?", he asked. "I put away three loads of clothes BEFORE I went to work today and you can't put away one?" He doesn't even miss a beat or bat a stinkin' eyelash before he says, "I put all mine away!".

I stared at him.

"Really?", I repeated.

I am not smiling at him.

No more was said. I put my frowny, "I don't like you" face on and put my clothes away in silence. I'm sure I was a little too forceful with the hangers on a few of those shirts. I am sorry for that. So, I change for bed in silence, put out the light and crawl into bed being careful not to touch him lest he think all is forgiven, which it most certainly is not. Yes, I am a gigantic baby. So, there I was fuming. I was fuming pretty good when the snoring broke the silence. My mouth actually dropped open and I repeated for the 4th time "Really???" out loud to apparently no one.

How do men do that???

Ok, so I've read the books and attended the little "I want the best marriage in the world" seminars...I get it. Men compartmentalize. Men have little compartments for all their different emotions. When they no longer need or want to deal with a certain emotion they put it away..and it STAYS there. I know my husband is not the only one like this because women talk..alot..and every woman I've talked to complains about this. You have a fight and you spend all night fuming while your man snores it up like it never happened. Or, you have a fight and you rehash it for hours while your man goes about his work day like nothing happened. Either way, it's like nothing happened. That doesn't mean it won't be revisited, it just means that until it is revisited he doesn't need to think about it or stew on it the way you do.

It's totally annoying.

Here 's my question: Why can't women do the same thing??

Can I learn this behavior? Can I train myself to shut off and go to sleep or tuck it away and be productive without pouring over said event and having fantasies about what I should have said/wish I'd said/will say to him next time we talk about it?

Is there a class or a pill or a book or a mantra that will keep me from being my usual neurotic self?

Sadly, I think not. The thing I think is most important for me to realize is that when the situation gets "stuffed" into its little compartment until a later date it has nothing to do at all with whether he cares how I feel or not. Its totally easy to think that because he is not being held hostage by that moment in time like I am that he doesn 't care. I have to say that I'm pretty sure it's actually opposite of that. I'm not a man obviously so I can't speak as one but I have lived with one for 16 years so let me break it down for anyone who may be struggling with the same concept. Just because he isn't thinking about it constantly and obsessively until a resolution occurs doesn't mean he's not working on the issue. This is how it usually works out at my house: Situation...disagreement...silence (his not mine)...I stew...He doesn't...Time passes...I get tired of stewing and move on...THEN he will randomly bring it up, offer a resolution, or apologize. While it makes me crazy to revisit something that I have already resigned myself to, I understand that he put it away for a little while, did some things he had to do (work, eat, sleep) and when he had a moment to think about it again ONLY then did he take his little compartment out and work on it. It makes me crazy, but that is how he functions. I'm sure I make him crazy by wanting immediate resolution to a conflict. Marriage is not about being happy all the time...it's about loving the person you are with even when you want to murder them, right?

Either way, he slept well last night.

Mr. Drunky Drunk has an Enabler

So, last month I posted about almost getting killed in the McDonald's parking lot. I filed charges and waited for my court date. Last Tuesday was the date I got. Here is an account of what followed.

We get a subpoena in the mail. Hubby and I both took an entire day off of work since the alloted court time was in the middle of the day. In order for me to take this one day off I had to split up my hours because Court just happened to fall during the Week From Hell and I had 4 Christmas parties to attend that week. I had to work at least 4 hours every day for 7 days to take this one day off and not miss any of my already committed-to parties!

The day finally comes for me to testify against Mr. Drunky Drunk and guess what?? He doesn't show up...but wait there's more! His Dad shows up in his place!! At first we were just looking at him, whispering, "Is that him? That doesn't look like the guy. Are you sure that's him? That guy looks too old to me him..and too heavy." Well, to be honest we weren't entirely sure that it wasn't him. It didn't look like him the way we remembered it, but to be honest we only saw him for like one minute and that was at night a month ago! So, we didn't say anything because we weren't positive and we didn't have proof anyway. We sat in court for 2 hours waiting on him to be called and when it finally happened he plead guilty. The clerk looked at me and said, "Your dismissed." Just like that. I take a whole day off of work, rearrange my entire life which includes working 7 days straight to be dismissed. Crap. I still don't even know what he got...a fine, community service, jail?? So, I thought that was the end of that. Very disappointing.

But then Sunday came.

Sunday after church we were driving home and we passed right by this guy's house (like I said in my last post, we are practically neighbors) and who do we see sitting on the porch smoking a ciggarette? Right...Mr. Drunky Drunk. Damn. Now, because I am a person of high morals or maybe because I am kind of a bitch, I have to go back to the Magistrate and tell him what happened. Do I think anything will happen? No, what's done is done. If his Dad is okay with his son being a drunk and beligerent person that tries to run over children in restaurant parking lots that's his business, but I have to tell someone what this guy is doing.

Maybe it's a Jr./Sr. situation. Maybe his dad is the one that opened the door and said 'Yeah, it was me' because it was easier than making his son take responsibility for what happened. Maybe he only has one more strike against him before he loses his license...I don't know. All I know is that once I tell someone in authority then I've done what I feel like I have to do. Damn, why do I have to be so freaking responsible??

So much drama...so little evidence.

There should come a time in one's life when you are too old for drama. Apparently, my time has not come yet. An innocent trip to McDonald's with Hubby and the Ankle Biters ended up being an hour-long ordeal. The cops even got involved. Now, I'm not a person that will just call the cops randomly. Someone has to be in danger before I'll do that. I live in a small town and I know just about every cop, firefighter and paramedic thanks to my job at the Emergency Room. At work I don't hesitate to call the cops to help keep the peace just because I can, but in my personal life I could count on one hand the number of times I have had to call the cops on someone. That doesn't include the time I called the local PD about a car swerving all over the road or a light being out at an intersection...or the time they were chasing some kids through my yard and I called the dispatcher to tell them which direction the kids ran. Like I said, it's a small town, we all know each other and we look out for each other. So Saturday evening, during half-time of the Alabama/Tennessee game I might add, we decided to get some Mickey D's. The kids have this thing about going inside...probably because our McD's has video games they can play while we wait on our food...so we park and head across the parking lot. This guy literally runs out of the side door and jumps into his truck, which happens to be the truck that my oldest two boys are walking beside. This guy doesn't even have his door shut good and he's got is truck in reverse and starts peeling out...towards me and my 8 yr. old son. Hubby started banging on his truck to get his attention while I am screaming and shoving my child from my right side (where a truck tire is now) to safety on my other side. Hubby dented ol' boy's truck by banging on it. So, he finally stops in the middle of the parking lot, sticks his head out of his window and says, "What the [bleep] is going on?". I informed him in a slightly elevated voice that he almost ran over my child...to which he says. "Keep your [bleep bleep] kids out of the street, [bleep that rhymes with ditch]!" Well I can't recount the rest of the conversation because it would be mostly bleeps. I wish I could say that all the bleeps were his, but no. My children got to hear Mama say some words that I don't ever think they've heard before. I could smell the beer on this dude from eight feet away. He was drunk, disorderly, belligerent and driving around my town!! So, Mama did what Mama's do when drunk people try to run their babies over in parking lots...I called the Po-Po. Luckily, they pulled him over. Unfortunately, this guy has obviously been through this before because he pulls into his own driveway and runs inside. According to my friend, the police woman, this means that she lost line of sight on him and even if he was over the limit with alcohol it would be thrown out of court. I asked a few other of our town's finest about it and they all said the same thing. So, this guy knows how to get around the system. That tells me that he's done this before. She took my report and this morning I am going down to City Hall to talk to the Magistrate about pressing charges for Reckless Endangerment. I'm pretty frustrated at this point. How is it that a guy can drink and drive and almost kill people and they can't arrest him because he runs into his house?? Even though she saw him driving the vehicle?? I have no tolerance for a drunk. Give me a junkie any day of the week. Junkies have a goal, they have a plan most of the time and they are usually actually pretty polite because when they do come to the ER they know that an outburst will get them put out and then they won't get what they came for...but a drunk has none of that. A drunk has no goal, no plan, no control over their actions or mouth and they are dangerous. Now, that's not to say that someone who is already high isn't the same way, but I have a particular disdain for alcoholics. My daddy was an alcoholic. So, I go to press charges this morning which means that eventually it will go to court and I will have to testify about what happened. Hubby is pretty pessimistic that anything will come of it. I'm going through with it because at the very least it will create a paper trail against this guy. If he doesn't have a problem jumping behind the wheel while he's drunk then it's just a matter of time before he does kill someone. If pressing charges now means that next time he gets caught he already has something on his record I'm all for it. My poor son was so upset by the whole thing. By the time this guy peeled out of the parking lot (after cussing me like a dog in front of my children) my little one was so shook up he was crying and said "Mama, that guy tried to kill me!". It broke my heart and it still makes me want to find this guy and break important appendages. I can tell you one thing, if this guy had ever seen what I've seen he would never think about driving recklessly and he would always look for little ones when backing up. If he had ever had to hold a little one's skull together during CPR like I have because some careless person can't be bothered with looking before backing up I bet he would NEVER EVER drive recklessly again or drink and drive. I can hope for the best at least. Like I said, it's a small town and we look out for each other.

My Heart Cries For You

A friend of mine lost her newborn baby.

Ruthie Quinn lived 6 hours.

It was a totally normal pregnancy, no one expected anything out of the ordinary.

I am at a loss.

Christian Graphics.net

Another church member that I don't know well lost her baby a few weeks before Ruthie passed away. Although this baby had been an expected loss I know the pain was the same for that family. As for my friend, I don't know what to say to her. I haven't seen her yet but I know when I do that I won't have the slightest clue what to say. There were already so many people crowded around the family immediately afterwards that I knew to give her space. They need life to calm down. They need quiet time after all the well-meaning people drift away (the way they always eventually do) to process what has happened to them and what this means for their family. I know this because that's how it was when I lost my mom. If losing my mom could do to me what it has and leave this much confusion and pain, I don't EVER want to know what my friend is going through. It has been a few weeks now, but this is the only time I have had to blog about it. I know from experience that people always say the same thing, they always bring food, they always send cards, they alway smile at you with the corners of their eyes crinkled up because they are trying not to make you sad, they always, ALWAYS want to hug you -even if you are not a hugging person. I remember those people and I don't want to be one of them. Not that there is anything at all wrong with, but it's just not me. I haven't decided what kind of person I am though. Am I the sort of person who sends a card randomly, weeks later to say I care? Am I the sort of person who makes a treat or meal and drops it by after everyone else is gone? Am I the sort of person who just chats with her without bringing it up? (By the way, my bible study group had a BBQ planned the afternoon of my mom's death and I asked them not to cancel and we went anyway. I have to say it was so great to be able to just pretend for a couple hours like everything was ok, and joke and eat like we did before.) I am not a hugger, so I know I won't be do any of that although I wouldn't shy away from an offered one.

So, here's what I want to know followers...

How would you handle it?

Tell me how would you handle the situation? How would you approach the topic -or not?

I pray for her and her family everyday...for now that is all I know how to do.

Just Stopped by to Complain a Little

The following is a rant of frustration, desperation, aggravation, and many, many other unpleasant emotions:

Ok, so here's the real deal Holyfield. My life is kinda falling apart right now. I haven't intentionally abandoned you I promise. I began classes the day I returned from Savannah and I haven't had my head above water since then.
Seriously...I thought this was going to be totally different. I have no idea what I'm doing.
We'll start off by saying that at no point on their website or in email communication from my "advisors" did anyone ever mention accelerated terms. What that basically means is that you have nine weeks to do what the other students are doing in a whole semester. I did my midterms last week. I have three weeks left to go.
I think I'm dying.

Another thing about it is that, as described in the wonderful advertisement material, you have to log in so many times a week to get your attendance credit. Well, that's not really how it works. you have to post something to that class' discussion board 3-5 times a week. Sounds simple right? That's what I thought. Turns out that you have to post a response to the weekly question...which up until now has been a compare and contrast or a an opinion (in which the teacher will then correct your opinion, so what was the point?)...and respond to someone else's post. Here's the rub - you're not allowed to use 'I agree or I disagree' or it doesn't count. You're also not allowed to go back to a previous week's discussion. Also, your response must be a paragraph...each one.

I found out yesterday that like *none* of my responses are getting full credit. Apparently, I'm not wordy enough?? What. The. Hell?? Plus, if I don't get credit for attendance I will have to pay back my Pell Grant.

I want to quit.

I have never quit anything before. I had a child in the 10th grade and never quit school for Pete's sake!! This whole thing just isn't working for me. I don't have any interaction with my teachers (I have emailed before but realize now that urgent questions aren't going to be answered because the response always come 2-3 days later) or fellow students other than the required discussion. In fact I emailed my midterm to one of my teachers early to be critiqued (at her request) and still haven't heard from her...I just had to turn it in and hope that I had gotten at least some of it right.

All of this is in addition to the hell I went through trying to get enrolled, registered and get my textbooks. I found out 2 weeks into class that I wasn't going to get a textbook voucher from financial aid because the registration had taken to long and I had missed the deadline so I had to shell out $400 for three textbooks. Textbooks are a whole other complaint. As much money as I spent on them....I have barely touched them! Most of my work is research work that is accomplished with the Internet...in fact for my current research paper I am NOT ALLOWED to use my text as a reference or it's an automatic zero! So what the freak did I buy them for??

Ok, so I'm doing a lot of complaining today. It's just that being a student was always something I did exceedingly well. I was Valedictorian in both high school and nursing school...so floundering is something I have no experience with at all. I have never wanted to quit anything before this. If I thought that I could physically make it to class 1-2 days a week I would think about transferring to the local community college. I mean, I already have financial aid...I guess that would transfer. I just don't see how I could get it done. I am already working full time, homeschooling, keeping a home and all the things a Mom does.

I don't know what I'm going to do. All I know is that I am busting my butt trying to keep my head above water but the pace is so fast I feel like I'm drowning and if I'm not even getting credit for what I am doing, I don't see the point in trying! I just have to try to finish this term and then decide from there.

Thanks for letting me rant and rave. I needed that.

Oh, I the cruise was definitely a once in a lifetime thing...good and bad...and that is a whole other post :) Pictures soon, I promise!

Voicing my Frustrations

This post is not good, it does not have a funny story, it will not make you smile or leave you any happier than it found you. There is a good chance it will do the opposite. If you don't stop reading right now, there is a good chance you will leave this post more angry and hurt than you had planned on. For safety sake, you might want to leave this post right now.

I am awake at 1:30 in the morning because I cannot shut my brain up. I have been a nurse for a little while..well 7 years now. I have taken care of Kidney Transplant patients (my preferred area), Nursing Home patients, Critical Care patients, and patients with hideous wounds when I was a Wound Care Nurse. I have been a Manager and an employee. I have worked in a Family Practice office and I have given "Alternative Medicine" infusions. I have bathed, medicated, soothed, and loved alot of patients. I have been the only one there when some of them died. I have heard many last words. I am used to my job....or at least I thought I was.

Since I have started at the ER where I am currently working, I have twice experienced horrible incidents with children. Both of them left me angry, fearful and terrified. Both times I could not sleep. One of the children died in a house fire, the other had been run over by a car...twice. I have always known that I am not a Peds Nurse. I knew before I went into Nursing that I would never be blessed with that calling simply because I cannot stand to see children hurt. I was not prepared for the first child, the one from the house fire. It is something I wished I'd never seen and know that I will never be able to forget.

The second child was a toddler, still in diapers, that ran out behind a car and was backed over, then run over again when the adult pulled forward to find out what had been struck. This child died at another facility the next day, but I will not be able to rid my memory of that baby or the sound of his Mother's wails.

I try to tell myself that I will toughen up, but part of me doesn't want to toughen up. I do want to be able to do my job and still function in normal society, but there is a part of me that pushes back from being desensitized to that pain and suffering.

Today was a new experience altogether. I can't even bring myself to talk about it for fear that I will breach confidentiality, but suffice it to say that evidence had to be collected and that two small girls were the patients.

I am at a loss.

How do you experience something like this, something this raw, and come home and act like it's just another day at work??

How do you leave it at work and come home and talk to your spouse about vacation plans?

How do you close your eyes and not see these children and the heart-wrenching injuries?

How?

I know that there aren't any real answers. I know that all I can do is give these children to God and pray for peace, but so far that is not helping me get any sleep.

I don't have any answers. I just want some sleep.

The Drama Llama came to see you today - I told her to leave a message

What is it about small Southern towns that make it so hard to keep a cotton-pickin' secret?? It cannot be just my town. I have lived in more than one hole-in-the-wall town down here, yet they have all been eerily similar. Let me qualify my rant by explaining that Hubby & I are buying a house. In the current market this is no easy feat. I could probably sum the whole experience up by saying: Who's idea was this?? So, its fair to say that it has not been easy. We still haven't closed escrow yet and we have had a contract on this house since June...JUNE! Anyone who is buying a house right now might know that the system is a little overwhelmed with greedy, I mean "eager", buyers trying to snatch up all the empty forclosures that were left after the housing crash. So overwhelmed is the system that, at least in Alabama, the servers are going down like me on a 6-mile hike--fast & with a thud. So, when we decided to let a few people know that we were buying a house it didn't occur to us that in a few days the whole church would have heard about it. It also didn't occur to us that by sharing this information with these people we would be locked into the commitment of keeping them updated on how the deal was going. It gets a little depressing saying "We don't know anything - we are waiting on the paperwork to process" a dozen times between the time you get your coffee in the church lobby to the time you take your seat! Don't get me wrong, its wonderful to have so many people to care for us and keep up with what's going on in our lives, but the reality of it is that we started getting a little scared. At this point, we are concerned about what might happen if the deal falls through. What will we tell everyone? There's this pressure now that I'm pretty sure we've made up but feels real anyhow. It feels like if something happens we're going to let everyone down! I know...its crazy, its probably inaccurate and wildly egotistical of us to think that we are on everyone's mind. These people probably only care to ask about it because its a good way to make conversation. Mostly I'm sure of the fact that if something terrible did happen, like the deal falling through, we'd have plenty of shoulders to cry on about it. I am just still so amazed at the fact that word travels so fast in my church! Forget "tele"-phone - tell the church members!!
Ps. If I have an aneurysm and die before I close on this house its probably because at some point a mass email went out alerting the congregation of the need for prayer over our "house" situation! If you hear of my demise check your inbox...you've got mail from the church.