*Breaking News*

This just in:

*I HAVE A NEW JOB*

Okay, you can go back to what you were doing.
I just wanted to pop in for a second and announce the end of my Emergency Room career, if it ever were one. It's been real and it's been fun but it ain't been real fun, if you know what I mean. I got the job offer actually last week but since I was traveling for Spring Break this is the first chance I have had to blog about it.

I didn't think I was getting the job at all to begin with because the office staff told me that the corporate manager who does the hiring did not take to me very well...why does that always happen to me? Apparently, she thought that my family might just be more of a priority than my career. What am I supposed to say to that?? Ummm....yeah, it is. Anyway, I don't really care that the rumor is the only reason I got it is because the first person it was offered to declined the job due to a pay increase she was offered at her current job. It worked out well for me so who cares? I'm ok being second string...lots of good people were not the first person picked. The point is that I got the job.

No nights, no weekends, no holidays, an hour for lunch...speaking of lunch - Drug rep lunches are awesome! It's not all roses and wine however. Now that I have an 8-5 job I have to figure out how to get my children home from the private school that does not have a bus service. I could not dare ask if I could have 30 min to go get them at 3pm because Ms. Witchy Manager already thinks that my family is too high of a priority. So, I put the word out amongst friends that we needed help. Now, I just have to wait and see what kind of mommy-swap-carpooling we can dig up!

I am almost giddy at the thought of being able to have dinner with my children every night, not to mention the extra day off every week since it's a 3-day a week job. I refuse to get my hopes up too high. I work 4 days this week in the ER, then it's off to the land of Part-Time. Ya'll wish me luck...and thanks for the prayers. It worked ;)

This Message Brought to You by the Squashed and Tired:

So, I'm still doing the "errands and cleaning in the morning/work in the evening/homework in the wee hours" thing. It still sucks...I think that should go without saying. However, I think *hope* that by the end of the week I will have fabulous news. An office position has opened up in the Family Practice where I used to do relief work. It's part-time. Hubby and I have been yelling at each other, I mean "discussing", the possibility of my going part time for a couple months now. I have had more meltdowns, nervous breakdowns and need for alcohol in the last 6 months than I did when my children were small and not potty trained yet! Basically I had to explain the concept of "If Mama ain't happy..." to him. Ya'll know what I mean. So, after the office manager called me twice to see if I was interested in putting in my app, I finally bit the bullet and did it. Then, I had to tell my boss what I did. I sure wouldn't want her to hear about it in the morning meeting instead of from me. She took it well....actually I don't think she was upset at all. She wasn't an advocate for my position in the first place...so...yeah. So I had an interview last week and made myself available for peer interviews but was never called in for one. I called the office manager, just to check on the process, and was told that she had everything she needed and that after a dept. meeting this week that she would know further by the end of the week.

So now I wait.

It's a little nerve wracking though. I hate waiting.

Anyway, so ya'll pray for me. And, really put your backs into it because I don't think I will survive another year of 4-5 hrs of sleep a night. That's probably why kids eventually learn to sleep at night because if Mom's had to do the night shift thing for more than a year or so we probably would have collectively decided that Communist China had it right with the One Kid Rule, ya know what I'm sayin'?

I hope to be able to transistion to dayshift, no nights, no weekends, no holidays, and only working 3 days a week soon....REAL SOON.

Until then, I guess I'll just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimmmmmming....Thanks for the advice Dory :)

Voicing my Frustrations

This post is not good, it does not have a funny story, it will not make you smile or leave you any happier than it found you. There is a good chance it will do the opposite. If you don't stop reading right now, there is a good chance you will leave this post more angry and hurt than you had planned on. For safety sake, you might want to leave this post right now.

I am awake at 1:30 in the morning because I cannot shut my brain up. I have been a nurse for a little while..well 7 years now. I have taken care of Kidney Transplant patients (my preferred area), Nursing Home patients, Critical Care patients, and patients with hideous wounds when I was a Wound Care Nurse. I have been a Manager and an employee. I have worked in a Family Practice office and I have given "Alternative Medicine" infusions. I have bathed, medicated, soothed, and loved alot of patients. I have been the only one there when some of them died. I have heard many last words. I am used to my job....or at least I thought I was.

Since I have started at the ER where I am currently working, I have twice experienced horrible incidents with children. Both of them left me angry, fearful and terrified. Both times I could not sleep. One of the children died in a house fire, the other had been run over by a car...twice. I have always known that I am not a Peds Nurse. I knew before I went into Nursing that I would never be blessed with that calling simply because I cannot stand to see children hurt. I was not prepared for the first child, the one from the house fire. It is something I wished I'd never seen and know that I will never be able to forget.

The second child was a toddler, still in diapers, that ran out behind a car and was backed over, then run over again when the adult pulled forward to find out what had been struck. This child died at another facility the next day, but I will not be able to rid my memory of that baby or the sound of his Mother's wails.

I try to tell myself that I will toughen up, but part of me doesn't want to toughen up. I do want to be able to do my job and still function in normal society, but there is a part of me that pushes back from being desensitized to that pain and suffering.

Today was a new experience altogether. I can't even bring myself to talk about it for fear that I will breach confidentiality, but suffice it to say that evidence had to be collected and that two small girls were the patients.

I am at a loss.

How do you experience something like this, something this raw, and come home and act like it's just another day at work??

How do you leave it at work and come home and talk to your spouse about vacation plans?

How do you close your eyes and not see these children and the heart-wrenching injuries?

How?

I know that there aren't any real answers. I know that all I can do is give these children to God and pray for peace, but so far that is not helping me get any sleep.

I don't have any answers. I just want some sleep.

Whew!

This title speaks volumes. Ya'll I am tired. Not tired...that's the wrong word...I am thoroughly exhausted. I have been working and working. I wish I could say I was working my butt off, but alas it is still following me around! Some good things have happened in my blog-absence though. A long talk happened with the boss and I was finally able to have LPN added to my job title. After all the time I have spent kicking myself for not going on to become an RN, I have never been so happy to be an LPN! It still isn't the greatest situation. I got asked if I felt "comfortable enough" to clean a 1 inch cut on some kid's forehead yesterday. Not bandage, mind you, clean - as in apply saline with a gauze. Oh well. At least I wasn't told I'm not qualified enough for that too. It kills me. I am blessed to have this job though. Wonderful things have happened recently because of the extra money in the house. I was finally able to get rid of my delapidated minivan! Mama's got a new car. Yay! We are able to cover our financial situation with wiggle room and put some away. I kind of forgot what it felt like to make money. It feels good. I miss being at home. I miss my kids. I miss the relaxed environment. I miss knowing what my day will be like or what to expect. My body is a frayed bundle of nerves. Its been weeks since I felt like I've had enough sleep. I need a nap...badly. My days off aren't really like days off, they are more like recovery. I can't say that I am enjoying them properly because I'm so worn out. I am super excited that I was able to get Wednesdays off this schedule for a bible study and also 4 days for Spring Break! My sister will be visiting :) Consequently, I have to work 4 weekends in a row. Oh, I hope I catch my groove soon. I am sorry that I haven't blogged lately. I have wanted to. I miss that too! I want to take a minute to apologize for ignoring my comments. I didn't receive them until this week! I don't know what happened, but I wasn't notified about any of them. I cried when I read them. The Christmas holiday was so bleak and horrible for me. I didn't think that anyone knew what I was going through, but you were there all the time, cheering me on. Thank you to anyone who visited my blog or left a comment. I would like to say a big ol'"Welcome" to my new follower GunDiva!! Thank you so much for visiting. You are the first person to "find" me on this thing called the internet. I am appreciative of your patronage darling ;) Hopefully it won't be long before I can post again. Thanks for joining the journey.